#SpyDome: confession from the "Man in White"
Standing at the corner of Front and Blue Jays Way, I found not one, but TWO men in white. They were waving their arms around wildly in the air, indicating that they were the guys I was looking for. They were kind enough to answer a few questions for me:
DFB: So guys, there are two of you, not just one?
M-I-W 1: Well of course. Can't only have one of us.
M-I-W 2: Yeah. I sit in the outfield beyond right field, and 1 here sits out in left field.
M-I-W 1: Can't leave the lefties hanging you know, eh.
DFB: You work as a team then?
M-I-W 1: Sure. We try to keep an eye on each other in case someone notices what we're doing.
M-I-W 2: Like those stinking pitchers. Run and tell mommy you rats.
M-I-W 1: Pussies.
DFB: How does it work? How do you tell the batter what pitch is coming?
M-I-W 2: Well you see we have these magnifying contact lenses that let us see exactly what the catcher is calling for.
M-I-W 1: Yeah, then we do our arm signs. Arms straight out over our heads are curve balls, and when we flap our arms like birds, that's a slider.
DFB: What about fastballs?
M-I-W 1: I just pick my nose.
M-I-W 2: I scratch my butt.
DFB: I see, but how do you know where to sit?
M-I-W 2: Well, we look up the height of every pitcher in the MLB, then calculate the height of the mound, the average height of every Blue Jays batter and the height of the outfield seats.
M-I-W 1: It puts us in the perfect spot so our signals can be seen by the batters peripherally.
DFB: Wow. But how do you know what the opposing team's signs are?
M-I-W 2: Oh it takes an inning or so, but it's pretty easy to figure out.
M-I-W 1: Yeah, even when they start mixing up the signs we just use our psychic abilities.
DFB: You're both psychic? Then why the magnifying lenses and learning signs?
M-I-W 1: Well, our powers aren't always reliable. That's why the Blue Jays are only playing .500 ball.
M-I-W 2: I blame all the wi-fi signals in the RC. It's killing the bees, you know?
DFB: I know! Now tell me, how much do the Blue Jays pay you guys?
M-I-W 2: Pay us?
M-I-W 1: They don't pay us.
DFB: They don't pay you?
M-I-W 1: No… Do you think they should?
M-I-W 2: You mean we can make money on this?
DFB: Why sure you could. You're helping the team win.
M-I-W 1: Uh, we have to go.
M-I-W 2: Yeah. We have a short Greek guy to find.
Well, there you have it! Two Men in White confess it all. What else you got ESPN?